Enough is enough

From my email inbox comes this small piece on being masculine in a modern world. I would go so far as to say that this will be incorporated into the Bastards Inc. Code of Practice when it is released in the New Year.

This is for the real blokes out there to pass on to all the blokes who nowadays think it is cool to be a metro. Bring back our masculinity - stop being a bunch of pussies who have far too much gel in their hair and smell and look like chicks.

Points to ponder over a skinny decaf frapachino: (Ed: Horseshit! That should read rum...)

Please allow me to vent. I have had it. I've taken all I can stand and I can't stand any more. Every time my TV is on, all that can be seen is effeminate men prancing about, dedecorating houses and talking about foreign concepts like "style" and "feng shui." Heterosexual, homosexual, bisexual, transsexual, metrosexual, non-sexual; blue, green, and purple-sexual...Real men of the world, stand up, scratch your arse, burp, and yell "ENOUGH!". I hereby announce the start of a new offensive against the metrosexual movement.

The Code for Retrosexual's

A Retrosexual man, no matter what the women insists, PAYS FOR THE DATE.
A Retrosexual DEALS with IT, be it a flat tyre, break-in into your home, or a natural disaster, you DEAL WITH IT.
A Retrosexual not only eats red meat, he often kills it himself.
A Retrosexual doesn't worry about living to be 90. It's not how long you live, but how well. If you're 90 years old and still smoking cigars and drinking, I salute you. If you are still having sex, you are a God.
A Retrosexual does not use more hair or skin products than a woman. Women have several supermarket aisles of stuff. Retrosexuals need deodorant and shaving gear - that's it!!
A Retrosexual does not dress like a homeboy with baggy pants that look like he's shat himself, or with a gay chain from pocket to pocket. If wearing a hat, wear it correctly - not on the side like a faggot. Ear rings and necklaces (unless you are an Australian fast bowler) are out!
A Retrosexual should know how to properly kill stuff (or people) if need be. This falls under the "DEALING WITH IT" portion of The Code.
A Retrosexual watches no TV show with "Queer" in the title.
A Retrosexual does not let neighbours screw up rooms in his house on national TV.
A Retrosexual should not give up excessive amounts of manliness for women. Some is inevitable, but major re-invention of yourself will only lead to you becoming a handbag carrying little puss, and in the long run, she ain't worth it.
A Retrosexual is allowed to seek professional help for major mental stress such as drug/alcohol addiction, death of your entire family in a freak BBQ accident, favourite sports team being moved to a different city, favourite dog expiring, etc. You are NOT allowed to see a shrink because Daddy didn't
pay you enough attention. Daddy was busy DEALING WITH IT. When you screwed up, he DEALT with you.
A Retrosexual will have at least one outfit in his wardrobe designed to conceal himself from prey.
A Retrosexual knows how to tie a Windsor knot when wearing a tie and ONLY a Windsor knot.
A Retrosexual should have at least one good wound he can brag about getting. This does not include males who have had cosmetic surgery.
A Retrosexual knows how to use a basic set of tools. If you can't hammer a nail, or drill a straight hole, practice in secret until you can -- or be rightfully ridiculed for the wuss you are.
A Retrosexual knows that owning a gun is not a sign that your are riddled with fear, guns are TOOLS and are often essential to DEAL WITH IT. Plus it's just plain fun to fire one off in the direction of those people or things that just need a little "wakin' up".
Crying. There are very few reasons that a Retrosexual may cry, and none of them have to do with TV commercials, movies, or soap operas. Sports teams are sometimes a reason to cry, but the preferred method of release is swearing or throwing the remote control. Some reasons a Retrosexual can cry
include (but are not limited to) death of a loved one, death of a pet (fish do NOT count as pets in this case), loss of a major body part, or loss of a major body part on your ute.
When a Retrosexual is on a crowded bus and or a commuter train, and a pregnant woman, heck, any woman gets on, that retrosexual stands up and offers his seat to that woman, then looks around at the other so-called men still in their seats with a disgusted "you rude pricks" look on his face.
A Retrosexual will have hobbies and habits his wife and mother do not understand, but that are essential to his manliness, in that they offset the acceptable manliness decline he suffers when married/engaged or in a serious healthy relationship - i.e., hunting, boxing, shot putting, shooting, cigars, car maintenance and drinking piss and talking shit with the boys.
A Retrosexual knows how to sharpen his own knives and kitchen utensils.
A Retrosexual man can chop down a tree and make it land where he wants. Wherever it lands is where he bloody well wanted it to land. Except on his ute--that would happen because of a "force of nature", and then the retrosexual man's options are to Cry, or to DEAL with IT, or do both.
A Retrosexual will give up his seat on a bus to not only any women but any elderly person or person in military dress (except 2nd Lt's) NOTE: The person in military dress may turn down the offer but the Retrosexual man will ALWAYS make the offer to them and thank them for serving their country.
A Retrosexual man doesn't need a contract -- a handshake is good enough.
A Retrosexual man doesn't immediately look to sue someone when he does something stupid and hurts himself. We understand that sometimes in the process of doing things we get hurt and we just DEAL WITH IT!

Here endeth the lesson. Comments or additions are welcomed, however don't be surprised if stupid comments are ridiculed or modified to amuse the blog owner.

Comments

[PB]

A correction is needed I feel, in regard to the giving up on seats on public transport; a real bloke's only exposure to public transport should be Friday night taxis and trains to rugby tests (which are inaccessable by any other means); otherwise he drives or rides a motorcycle (or if wealthy or in the services, helicopter) everywhere. Public transport is for losers, public employees and chaps in need of a good dose of wrist starch. Carry on.

[d]

Add to the list:

Retrosexual Man opens doors for ladies.

These days, there is a delicious twist, it sends femmo nazis and women dressed in `power zoots' right round the bend, and young gels indoctrinated in zoos called schools are utterly confused by said good manners and courtesy to the fairer sex.

[d]

PB is also correct on, absolutely, the code of transport: cattle class is out except when dire straights impose, and the circumstances are two, as PB specifies:

`Friday night taxis and trains to rugby tests (which are inaccessable by any other means.'

I noted, approvingly, the item, Windsor Knots only, not spastic girly attempt at knotting the tie.

Might recommend for the list, on bow ties: not the strap on fixed crap, but the genuine article which a retrosexual ties correctly.

It is proper for a retro too to wear specified chaps gloves, top hat and cane, held-the cane/worn correctly, set off with a cigar in hand,lit: ignore no smoking signs in lefts, etc. -I do, and again it gives the p.c. gargoyles the shits.
One femmo nazi, in a lift, as I happily puffed a Roemo et Juliet, said,
Do you mind?
I replied, Not at all.She stamped her foot, muttered and stood closer to the door. That was a pleasant distraction to the otherwise tedious ride in a lift to the umpteenth floor for something which was a complete waste of time.

[moos]

That windsor knot got me confused. I grew up somewhere in the central Eurabia (it was Europe then), and I learned to do my tie. There was only one knot, as far as I am aware, that was used, no one called it 'windsor' there. Sooo, I googled it. Yep, that is the one. Is there any other tie knot? Why would I use it and lean it? I reluctantly learned that one I know and even though I did not wear a tie for the last 15 years, I can still tie it, flawlesly, under 4 seconds.

Of course there is a plenty of knots that have nothing to do with a tie. I learned a bunch of them.

[CB]

Well moos, the purpose of the Windsor knot is to create a symmetrical looking neck-tie, because with the majority of punters still utilising the half-assed version where you don't go back over the front of the knot before you come back up and under. Looks messy and one sided. Sort of like their heads after I kick it in for looking like tossers.

[Tiberius]

Pure gold CB.

Gonna have to steal it :)

[Korgmeister]

*shrugs* I'm not exactly into the whole 'metrosexual' or 'retrosexual' thing. Frankly, I prefer the approach advocated in 'Real Men Don't Eat Quiche' (the Australian edition of which I own).

But frankly I do believe that taking care of my appearance and being clean and neat is an important part of being a self respecting bloke these days. Too many guys I know are fucking slobs and it pisses me off.

[CB]

No-one said you had to be a slob young padawan. What I am saying is that if you take more time with your appearance than your average teenage girl, then perhaps your priorities are shall we say, skewed.

[d]

CB's point, Korgmeister, is neatly contained in the golden rule of retrosexual man.

On arising in the morning: he shits, showers and shaves, that's it.

[Korgmeister]

No, I certainly don't. And considering that my haircare routine usually involves either shaving my head every day (in the hotter months) or shampooing it twice a minute, I don't think I'm in danger of being a bathroom hog.

But I consider exfoliation and moisturiser to be a vital part of my shaving routine. No fucking way am I going to accept having a face like a leather wallet by the time I'm 50. (Besides, with a body like mine, keeping my face looking nice is essential if I'm going to get anywhere with chicks)

[Razor]

And learn to tie knots - just a few basic ones will do. Too many subscribe to the - if you cant tie knots, tie lots school.

[Eric]

You can summarize by saying that real men should be well-behaved and useful. Also, I believe sunblock could be added to the daily routine without sacrificing too much in the masculinity department, but mebe that's because I'm from california.

[Angelo]

I think that a Retrosexual should also like the smell of gasoline or at least the smell of fresh-cut lumber.

[kaya THE METRO]

hey you guys are a bunch of drongos, fuck this retrosexual shit! its a bunch of crap. I'm a proud metro who takes care of himself and if ya wanna know somthing "mr handyman, not crying, mother hating, beer swelling dick" but chicks dig metros rather than stinky farmers who sit at the pub drink beer and do watever it is you do! learn to respect yourself and look impecable even when you go down the street. thats why god made mostiriser and product... if youve got a skin blemish makeup is the answer! ps orange-mocca-frappachinos rock! catch ya later ya slobs!

[CB]

Learn to spell, you fucking half-wit. You concentrate so hard on the outside clearly at the expense of the inside.

[Lguy]

Ok, you keep looking fine and getting the stupid shallow "chicks" that like you, and i'll keep being able to fix my own problems without crying and kicking you types asses everytime you piss me off.

[Russ Smith]

I have just stumbled upon your website and I've got to
say that YOU GUYS ROCK! I am an American, living in
the midwest, and can't stand our own lefties. I love
guns, girls, and dogs. And I'm surely sick of the
bullshit media pushin' the fuckin' queer lifestyle
in my face. Someday more people will agree with you
and alot of things can be set right. 'Till then,
I'll keep loading ammunition.

[Shane Van Duren]

Hey Angelo or Angelina whatever the fuck it was, when was the last time one of the chicks that digged u (metro potbelly babes) made you bacon and eggs for breakfast?

My mother used to milk a cow every morning so me and my three brothers grew up big and strong. my dad taught us how to trap animals when we were to young to shoot, and I respect them both my mother she was the pretty one with soft skin and stuff, and my father he built our house our farm and ran a business that’s worth millions.

Now Angelinio do have a father, because I think you are confused about your role in the grand scheme of things. do you expect someone else to build you a house or just charge u rent while u sell makeup?

And who do you suppose is going to stop somebody else, from taking ur metro potbelly babe ur plasma tv and your life away from you?

Let the girls be girls angifaggio and lay off the drugs!

P.S. If u want to sort me out for calling you names you can call me on 1800FUCKYOU (Ed: real number removed)

[opc10]

Great thread...
I'm probably a bit more sedate. IE: Not into guns, but love fishing.

I kid you not, 1/2 my male friends won't go camping, dont know how to hammer a nail, use some sort of product other than the essentials mentioned. Its frightening...

I think a couple of the metro's here missed the point.

A real man is not about being a smelly, alcoholic, homophobic, flea bitten red-neck. (Note: Being homosexual is NOT natural, but its not a crime)

Its a about someone who understands the REAL role of the male species that is biologically implanted. Not some wanker in a magazine, or TV show, who tells us that, because we are the most intelligent species we can change biology. We can't. And anyone who thinks that we can is kidding themselves.

These wanky trends last a decade or so, then the idiots slowly wake up, only to fall into the new wanky trend.

And I can tell you, as much as any feminist would like to try and pervert the rest of the female population, women, on the whole, like their men to be REAL men...and this includes your power hungry, corporate climbing, materialistic types...

[Luigi Di Serio]

Hello Bastard Inc.,
I like your article about retrosexuals. I would like to promote your idealogies as the compliment my own. My site diserio.com (get about 700 visits a day) has some info you might find intersting. I would certainly would like to exchange links with your site.

Keep up the good work,
Luigi Di Serio

[Luigi Di Serio]

Hello Bastard Inc.,
I like your article about retrosexuals. I would like to promote your idealogies as the compliment my own. My site diserio.com (get about 700 visits a day) has some info you might find intersting. I would certainly would like to exchange links with your site.

Keep up the good work,
Luigi Di Serio